WARNING - mother topics of raising children and being robbed of freedoms. Read at your own risk.
Today I had a girls day out. Which you would think would make me feel rejuvenated and ready to face the world.
But it didn't.
On the bus my friend and I talked of days when we actually wore lipstick. Not just beige lip gloss on the occasional Sunday. (or Friday, as it is) We laughed about when Amy and Maile came to see me this last year, and we acted like college kids again. Something that has vanished from my personality. And when my dear friends told my children stories of my past, I shushed these girls and said, "Don't tell them that. They don't know the real me yet."
Kinda made me sad.
But that is actually a whole other post. This is about how I even get ripped off from a girls day out. And really, it's due to my location and the number of chidlren I have. When Peter wants to do something for a few hours, or the day. He just walks out the door. I have to meekly call anyone I know, and tiptoe around the subject that I need some help babysitting for a few hours. And that just takes two kids out of the equation. Then I have to find someone else to pick up Roo, take her to school, take her home and feed her lunch. Again, "Hi. Hey I was wondering, if you're up to it, if you wouldn't mind..."
Ever notice if you want to 'go on a date' - you have to call and get the sitter, make dinner before you go, pick up the house, etc. If you want to go? Like in high school when you'd ask to go to the Stake dance: "Well. If you can find a ride, you can go.' Say your parents. It's like that when I want to go 'out.' And let's be honest. Out? "Out" really isn't that exciting, but it's better than nothing, I guess.
Anyway, now it get's even more complicated for me. "We're taking the 8 am bus, if it's on time. And we're trying to catch the 12:30 home, if it's running when it's supposed to." 'Smile...please say that's okay, please say that's okay...' So while I farm out my kids, it's an hour on the bus there, 20 minutes in a cab to the souks, time for three stops before prayer. Into a real grocery store during prayer, BUT no purchasing during prayer, just walking and shopping. Then it's a race back to the big camp for the bus. And an hour home. I was only 15 minutes late.
Hurry home, apologize to everyone I went with for making them have to hurry to get home. Thank, thank, thank the baby sitter. Nurse Gid, throw the babies in the bike stroller to get Roo. Thank, thank, thank again. Then homework, kids painting,(GIANT mess) lots of arguing of children, spoon feed baby, science project,kids in the mud - yell at them, read books, make dinner, feed dinner, (whine, complain, "sit down and eat your food"), CHACH! - repeated 2,459 times throughout the evening, more homework, sweep, sweep again, dishes, marker on the carpet, (more yelling here) pick up rooms, try not to yell at the kids for the millionth time today, jammies, print off science project report, Polly's, Barbies, LEGOS!!! off the floor, prayers, kisses...AND, in walks Peter, who says,
"I'll take over..." See? He get's the easy stuff again. Who wouldn't love to have kids just to tuck in, read a story and kiss goodnight? That's the good stuff. It's the last paragraph, which plays out in one way or another EVERY SINGLE DAY, that makes me crazy. No. Really. Crazy.
I used to be really fun. I laughed a lot. People thought I was fun. I was remotely cute. Alas. No more.
To make matters worse? I was called fat THREE times today. I can usually take it. But I almost cried. You see? I feel like I give my entire life to this family. And much of the way I look right now is due to having these five wonderful blessings. But to only be acknowledged for my size and compared to all other people, is discouraging. The word 'fat' wasn't used, but "you're too big for this" or "don't try that bracelet on (you might hurt it), you need a BIG one, or "for you, you big, you need special order." Yeah. Needless to say, it's one of those days, where the tears are being held in your eyeballs by something in your throat when you swallow. You know that thing? (not literally, but you know how it feels like that?) Apparently no one told these people about political correctness. Which I usually don't like, unless they're talking about me! (LOL)
So there is my therapy session. Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves. Hey, go ahead and forward it to your husbands. I think they need to know that you're not crazy. All women feel this way. If I'm not mistaken, most of you have been here, or somewhere near here. If not, why are we friends again? (haha) Oh well. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day with less fat comments, begging and grovelling for help with children, more husband around, more smiles and less heat. We'll see...
*This isn't a pity party, BTW. You don't even need to feel bad for me. I know I will get at least some of my weight off again after I wean the baby. And everyone has days like this. I guess I hate the fact that I think I need to hate myself for the way I look while I nurse my babies. Why can't I just enjoy that I am life to them? Why can't I just be their mama? And not be counting down the day's until I wean so I can starve myself again. Sorry. I'm ranting... Again, a whole other post. I'll tell you about the souks soon. You'll like it. It was fun. Especially when my friend had to use a 'squater' and said, "I'm gettin' my quad work out today!" Then I opened the stall next to her and said, "Uh. There's an actual toilet on this side, silly." That was a good laugh.
8 comments:
I guess you could look at it this way.
BIG= Beautiful Intelligent Giving FAT= Fabulous Artistic Trustworthy
This is how I view you. I believe that being a mother trumps everything else...Be proud of who you are and how you look. You have five beautiful, healthy children, all because of you.
"BAH" to all those who feel it is their right to say hurtful, snide and rude remarks to anyone who doesn't fit the "mold".
I'm still trying to think of a comeback to all the big comments that won't get you in serious trouble. Maybe something they have to mull over for a minute before they go "hey, you just called me an idiot", but by that time you're gone. If it's a man, you could say "I probably just seem big to you because you're such a tiny man". or " Thank you! Do you really think so? Cuz I'm still hoping to gain more weight."
Cuz I think you can still forgive them, and be Christ like while helping them to see that their comments are inappropriate. And it's honestly better than a punch in the eye.
And I could write pages about trying to juggle my day without losing my sanity. I will say that asking other people to watch your kids gets easier. You've been around your family for so long, but you'll figure out soon enough that you have to ask otherwise you'll go insane. 7 years of living away from people I know taught me that.
And Sam is getting close to where he could babysit for you. Unless they have rules about that there. There is no rule in Washington, but our family rule is 11 to babysit your own siblings and 12 to babysit someone else. It has saved my life to be able to go on regular dates.
I love you.
OK... you can't be feeling too much worse than me. Remember being 2 weeks away from having Gideon?!?! That's where i'm at... oh yeah... AND babysitting my 1 1/2 year old nephew until Thursday all while living in the mess of having some of the house remodeled! I feel your pain sister!
Hope tomorrow is better for the both of us! :)
Oh I love your blog! I'm sorry for all the crap given out and having to hold those eyeballs in. Love ya!
If I were there, I would buy us both chocolate. Then we would eat it while saying "you want to see big, I'll show you big." Well, that is what I would do anyway :) Either way, it would bring my crazy out. I love you! Don't let the little men get you down!
love it!!!!!
May tomorrow bring some joy and well deserved rest.
Love Ya -Kath
All I can say is, the people who look back and say "You'll miss these times" have CLEARLY forgotten them!
Just keep in mind a few things. You are an American in their country---"they" are likely to think you are arrogant, liberated to a fault, and simply better than them--and many may have an axe to grind with anyone they think represents those sentiments. So they take little cowardly jabs. Also, as interesting and beautiful aspects of their culture might be--you will never be accepted as part of it(not that you really want to be)--you are always going to be foreign to them, and always on the outs. That was a feeling I really struggled with while in El Salvador--because as westerners we are really very open, trying to understand and assimulate--dare i say even love these people and their strange ways--and yet with all that effort put forth, you will still be rejected and put down--for such superficial reasons. so hard. love ya girl--hang tough--dont let'em get the best of you!
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