Dinner Conversation at the Doctors Office

In an effort to keep this post G-rated, I have to use some words that rhyme with body parts. Okay? Like, whipple. And nest. Get it? So, stop here if you can't stand a trip to the doctor. Really. Do yourself a favor. BUT, I warn you. You might miss a good story with a lot of laughs. Here goes:

Last week I felt some terrible pains on my nest. (get it?) It got worse over the week. Like so much worse, that when a child bumped me on accident, I nearly jumped out of my skin. Specifically, in the whipple department. You know after you have a baby, and you're so engorged you wish you were dead? There you go, then.

Low and behold, a small protrusion appeared on the whipple. Remember that I am gargantuan in general, so everything is bigger on me. But, like, the size of a pea is pretty big on the old girls - if you know what I'm sayin'.

What to do now? Go to the 'down there doctor', maybe? Dermatologist? Family practice? ER? I had no idea.

So, I made the best possible choice. Specialist? You ask.

Heavens no. First one available would be fine with me - of course.

Who would that be? Oh, just the family friendly PA at our regular doctor. ( I'm sure you all know PA is physicians assistant - A LOT less school, but generally quite handy)

So in I go to see John. Please keep in mind that, in my opinion, this is man who sees the same ten problems day in and day out. High blood pressure, strep throat, a rash, colds, flu, sinus infection, high cholesterol, and the like. "You need an antibiotic" is a phrase he says in his sleep. I'm pretty sure this guy isn't seeing a lot of 'nests' - let alone 'whipples'. Right?

I tell John, "I think I have a cyst, or something. Maybe a boil? Could even be the flesh eating bacteria for all I know."

John, "And where is it?"

"On my whipple."

John, "Oh. Uh. Um. Uh. (snicker, snicker...did she just say whipple? giggle, giggle... he really did giggle) Okay. Uh. Well. Um. I guess we should have a look at it then. So, uh. Just put this gown on and I'll be back in a second."

Ten minutes later, John and the nurse walk back in. (Why do they wait so long. Do they think I seriously take ten minutes to whip off my clothes? What? Am I ironing and folding them inch by inch? Sheesh!) She's not a real nurse either mind you. Must be a CNA, certified nurses assistant. Could I get a true, real trained professional here? Seriously. No. Not really. They're fine, but it is like whippin' out the old 'rhymes-with-snoob' for people on the street, isn't' it? They're not doctors. Or nurses.

Oh well. Never been all that shy anyway. Giving birth does that to you, doesn't it?

So, John grabs his rubber gloves. *snap* *snap*, "Let's have a look."

Out from behind the gown I pull 'the worlds biggest, I've nursed four kids, have to be picked up and rolled back into position, ginormo - 'snoob'.

Poor John.

I could see the fear in his eyes.

And with a quick 'grab, grab'. 'Poke, poke'. And me grimacing in pain. We were done.

But not before I got a glance at the "nurse" - who looked like she had just seen a horror film. Pure fright. Through and through. She looked like someone was grabbing her whipple, while cowering in pain.

Two point two seconds later - it was over.

So, with my shirt on, John decides it is in fact a cyst and I need an antibiotic. (could have told him that) All in a days work for him.

As I walk out, there are the three 'nurses'. All dead silent. One reading People Magazine, one eating, and the one that was in the room, trying to the get color back into her face. You know that she had been out there telling them, play by play, what she had just seen:

"And then, she whipped out her giant, hanging down to her knee, old lady boo..."

So, with a pat on my back, prescription in hand, I was off.

With a, "Thanks" from me, and a look in my eye for all of -sorry you had to see that - I headed out the door. But not before I thought to myself, in the direction of the girls. "Hey, you guys want to see? It's totally weird. You should see. That way when you're talking about it around dinner tonight, you can say you saw it. Sweet, huh?"

I love being dinner conversation. Don't you?

*Update* - All is well. It's almost gone and doesn't hurt anymore. Whew! Hope this made you laugh and not puke. I did a little of both.

200!

Yes. It's true. 200 posts. Crime-in-ee! That's a lot. And I have pretty much been out of commission the month of July. (A broken camera AND computer don't make for very fun blogging. Sad, but true.)

Last week was full of the 397 blocks I had to cut for enrichment. A lovely garden wedding I did the flowers for, and many other busy days.

While I was rushing around one mid morning last week, I found myself at Wal Mart. I know. But one must do, what one must do. (I was looking for inexpensive embellishments for the block projects) My purse felt unusually heavy that day. But stress and the schedule of the day can do that to a girl.

As I was rifling through my purse, I happened upon the excess weight. It was my phone.

My home phone.

Yep. My big, white, full sized phone. It practically stuck out the the top of my bag. Have you ever done this? I mean technically it's called a "portable" phone. Right? I don't think they meant "five miles away" portable, though.

All I can figure was that I was on it, running out the door, and as I hung up threw it in my purse as I drove away. It's a little frightening, really. Isn't it? More than once I've put the Windex in the fridge. (just for a second though) But it makes me wonder what other crazy things I'm doing and don't even notice.

I can remember my mom doing silly things like this, as a teenager, and I thought she was nuts.

Guess what?

I think I'm nuts.

You're Fine

A couple of years ago, while waiting ever so patiently in the carpool line at the boy's school. A driver from behind got a little distracted and *bump* - rear ended me.

The woman reluctantly got out of her maroon mini van, after I got out first, to look at the 'damage' .  I recognized her immediately as somewhat of a 'big wig' from parent organizations at the school.   The 'hair always done, children perfectly dressed, etc' - kind of woman.

She walks up to my car, still talking on her cell phone, looks at the bumper (there really was nothing)  looks at me me and says, "You're fine."  And got back in her car.

There was no:  "I'm so sorry."  "Holy cow, what was I thinking"   Just; "You're fine."

What?  No.  I don't think so.  "You're fine" is when it's the OTHER persons fault.  When someone ELSE says, "Ooops, sorry."  THEN you get to say, "You're fine."

You can guess that she still rides at the top of my "People I don't like very much" list.

I've heard people use this term, "You're fine."  A lot.  Especially here in Happy Valley.  I, myself, find  it coming out of my mouth more and more frequently.  When someone says, "Sorry I'm late."  I say, "Oh, you're fine."  I hear and say this - A LOT!

What happened to, "That's okay."  Or, "It's no problem."  

I don't know.

But I recently took a peak at the 'How Utah are You' quiz on facebook.  And yes, folks, it's true - I almost cried.  I think..I think, IF in fact, I would have actually taken the quiz - I would have gotten a really high score.

Do you wear more than one shirt at a time, layered?  Well yes, but it's to tuck my fat in  - okay?

When someone bumps their grocery cart into yours at the store with an "Oh sorry,"  do you say, "You're fine"?  Oh my.  Yes, I do!!

I didn't even read all of the questions because my hands started to sweat.  I got nervous.  

I just might be...Utahan.

Heaven help me.  And you.

To sum things up, in the end, all in all, let's just use "you're fine" for what is was meant to be used for.  Alright?  I mean really.  We all know the truth.  

When your kid falls down, but isn't really hurt - what do you say, mom?

Get up, YOU'RE FINE!

Maybe this is what that lady was trying to say, get up - you're fine.  But she could have at LEAST said sorry.  Humph!

Now excuse me, I have to go.  I have to go sand 427 blocks for our Super Wednesday tomorrow, I have flowers for a wedding to do tonight, cut 32 pieces of wood for 'family puzzles'  and try not to ignore my kids.  Whew! 

Breaks

Aren't breaks nice?

I mean really. Everyone needs one, now and then.

And I have had a nice one.

We had a housefull of family and friends these past weeks. Then there is all of the cleaning and organizing I've been up to. Not to mention the amount of projects I've finished are out of this world. I, myself, can hardly believe all I've done.

Including having a yard sale this weekend, the hottest day of the year.

Oh, well. 165.00 that was headed to the D.I. was well worth it.

Needless to say - I'm back. It's my birthday and I'm blogging.

So there.

Happy birthday to me.

Dear Nie

While I of course couldn't take a picture of Nie, I knew for sure that where these cute bikes were, there she and her family were also. Aren't they great? I too, want a Madsen.

Dear Nie,

I saw you today. In real life, I saw you. I was walking down the sidewalk on University, children in tow, heading to my spot at the Freedom Festival's Grand Parade. And there you were. Standing next to Christian, who I knew immediately with his pilot sunglasses on. And next to him, was Nie.

I can't tell you how strange it was to not come up and say hello. To not kiss your sweet, terribly burned, cheek. To not gently hug your very small frame. To not thank you. To not tell you how in so very many ways you've touched my life. Strange to not say these things, but I did, so very really feel, these things.

So strange to see Cjane, Chup and the Cheif. To see Paige and her Denali husband. To see all of your children, who I immediately recognized. Cousins, aunts and uncles. All of those heads of gorgeous dark hair, with bright sprigs of red heads throughout your, very large, and amazing family. It felt like seeing so many friends from the past, and I wanted to jump in and greet you all.

But alas, I know you need your privacy. Of course you do. Right? So; I cried to myself, standing behind your beautiful clan, and I watched from a distance. There was much to be observed. I noticed how you were sitting in the back corner of your family. Where you could be protected by the others, yet not feel left out. How your children clamored to your sisters for their needs, and how it must hurt your heart so very much to not be able to meet all of their needs. How Christian sat at your side, keeping you company.

I saw you take a picture. Yes, one of Nie's beautiful photography shots. A picture of your mother, in the parade as City Councilwoman, driving by in an old restored car. Your smile was huge. I was so proud to see you hold your camera. I know how hard it has been for you to gain the strength of such a feat. You are amazing. You have come so very far, Nie.

While I watched, and cried. I just couldn't stop thinking of how you have reminded me to be a better me. To cherish every moment. To be a better mother, to give my children daily experiences and memories. To take care of my body and live healthily! Since I started reading Nie, since the accident, I have lost 50 pounds, much attributed to you. You make me remember that I only have one body, and I only have this time with my children once. You have helped me keep a record of my own everyday life, that I hope my children will one day cherish.

You have reminded me that how much our Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us. You have shared the gospel, without any hesitation - to the world. You have blessed and changed so many lives. I hope you know this. The Scout Master prodded me to tell you these things in person, but I just couldn't. Maybe someday. Maybe not with hundreds of people around. But

someday.

So Nie, on this Day of Independence, I wish you a very happy one. One, for you, so very, very different from last year. Last year this time, you had just six weeks before your life would be altered, forever. And while I'm sure that most days you don't want to get out of bed. That those days you cry in the shower and yearn for days past, know that you are loved. That you have shared so, so much of yourself and your life. You truly inspire me daily.

While you don't look the same anymore, I can see the beginnings of what the new Nie will be looking like in times to come. And you are beautiful. Inside and out.

So, all in all, Nie. I am so, so sorry, honey. I can't not tell you how terribly sorry I am that this has happened to you and your darling family. Or how very thankful I am that you have allowed me, and sooo many others into your life.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Kisses.

Teresa

Just Dance

Last night was Ruby's first 'dance recital.' I put that is quotes, because she has just being doing it for a couple of weeks in a cute teenagers backyard. So, her 'recital' was in the yard; and perfect. She was a little shy, but then bucked up and got some 'attitude' to do her solo. (I use these terms very loosely. Solo meant get out there and do anything you want. But getting up in front of people at all is great with me!) Anyway, she did it and loved it.

I was a little teary. It's true. I couldn't help it. You already know that I love dancing. I always have. It's that something that makes your whole heart and soul sing. I loved seeing these adorable little girls just dance. Just dance. They ran, skipped, leaped, and jumped like no one was watching. I LOVE to see their faces glow, their hair flying, skirts blowing. As I watch them I just can 't help but think - why don't we do this as adults? I think I know why so many cultures for thousands of years danced. It's a song to the soul.

I guess I felt so emotional because I think everyone needs to feel like this. It's a release from the pressures and reality of life. Even for these sweet little pink girls. None of them did anything to mention in the way of keeping even one 'dance rule.' But their hearts sang, their feet skipped, and you could see them shinning with joy. So today, here's my tip for you: Just dance. Maybe it's a twirl with your baby in your arms. Maybe it's a skip or two to the car. Maybe it's chasing your kids through the grass with a couple of leaps added in. (Can't you see your kids faces while you're leaping?! They'll love it.) Whatever it is, just a few steps. Today. Just dance.