Beyond the doors: Part 5

The conversation went from one topic to the next. We mainly discussed her life, as I asked a lot of questions. Fatimah kept her phone in her hand the entire time, just like any young girl in the states. She texted now and then, and would pretend to text while actually taking my picture. “Hey now. At least warn me,” I said as I was practicing trying to wrap my head scarf like a hijab. “Do you want me to take your picture?” “No. NO! It might end up on facebook or something.” She said. Which to her, would be the end of the world. No one can see her uncovered, well , no man that is.

Only her brothers, father, uncles, and grandfathers can see her uncovered. Her father, “is open minded”, remember? He didn’t make is eight daughters cover their faces until they were 18, as in his mind, they were still children until then. I liked this man already. That is a long time to let his daughters be unveiled, and also meant that they weren’t ready to marry until then. And in this culture, I think that’s pretty rare. Most girls have to veil when they get their period, or ‘get blood’, in Fatimah’s words. I often see little girls wearing veils and have been very surprised. Fatimah told me that some may have their periods, but most likely, they want to be like their moms and older sisters. They are ‘dressing up.’

Remember that Fatimah’s sisters have all married their first cousins, so I tried to get her to explain something to me. “If you were not veiled until 18, and your cousins saw you uncovered, as all people did. Then didn’t your cousins see you? They know what you look like. Right?” She was totally horrified at this, and wouldn’t even entertain the thought that this meant anything. But you see what I am saying, right? They saw her ‘til she was 18, we don’t change that much from 18 to 25, in looks anyway. But she refused to think this way at all. “I TOLD you, ONLY my brothers, my uncles, my father and grandfathers can see me!”

Alright. Aright. Settle down.

Having someone see her, is like giving her virtue away. It is to be kept safe and protected. A gift to be given to your husband. While I can’t understand this at all, just like my friends who cover their hair at all times in the presence of men (‘it’s just hair’ I think), I have a thought that helps me relate to this. I have been raised to be modest. The other day I wore a tank top to exercise in, and I felt weird the whole time. My son even commented on my wearing of it, as he too, is being raised to respect modesty. The thought of walking down the street in a bikini sounds totally, one hundred percent horrifying. And it is these kinds of thoughts that help me relate to Fatimah’s very conservative, even strange, rules. Her religious book speaks nothing of veiling, or of wearing of the abaya. It does teach to dress modestly, and to cover your head. All of the sects of Islam and their interpretation of the Quran are far reaching. In other words, how Fatimah and many like her in this part of the world dress is much more cultural and traditional, than religious. Yet, here, tradition and culture can hardly be separated from religion.

I asked, “What if your husband tells you that you don’t have to be veiled. What will you do then?” She replied, “No one can tell a person to veil or not to veil. It is a personal choice.” There are some things a girl like me cannot comment on. Where a big mouth, must keep that big mouth shut. Because, as you can guess, I have many opinions on this. But what I have come to learn, and I will try to explain, is something so much larger than you or I, it’s almost scary. And this is called social pressure.

I read a book before I moved called The Girls of Riyadh. I really enjoyed it, and gave copies to many of my friends. A great, fun, sometimes very sad read, for any of you interested in life for women here in the middle east. I told Fatimah that I had read this book. She got all flustered and mad. Un-tucking her feet from beneath her body, and sitting up straight, “This book! This book is very bad. It is bad for us here in S.A. It does not show the truth. You read this book in English? They have this book is English?!” Wow. She felt very strongly against this book, obviously. Many of the things in this book are for a whole other day, but what I began to learn from the book is that social pressure here is beyond my comprehension. And I mean this in regard to someone, anyone, seeing you do something they think you shouldn’t do. Like walk with a man who is not your husband. Let’s say you do this, and someone see’s you. They tell your cousin, who tells your aunt, who tells your mom – and your reputation is tarnished. And now no one will marry you (I’m not kidding), and your family is ostracized, and people won’t use your fathers tile company anymore, so he loses his business, and your sisters names are ruined too, now will not get married…and…and…and. All because you walked too closely to a man someone thought you shouldn’t have.

My husband works with women from here. People who are very educated, educated in the West. Women who are pushing their limits every day, working with men, unveiled, some don’t even wear the abaya. And this is their choice. They are women building a new life for their families and their country. But they still, are VERY susceptible to the social pressures here. Last year a contractor was here working in their department. He was briefed about how to behave around women, but not like full time employees are. In the midst of his presentation, while working with a local woman, he put his arm around her shoulder, and gave a friendly little squeeze, as is very common and friendly in the states. They had a comfortable relationship and were ‘work friends.’ He meant no harm at all. She is a fun, light hearted, easy going person, and as is natural for us, he gave a friendly half hug.

This young women turned bright red, almost sickly red. She immediately left. She got on the phone to her parents, many cities away, and told them exactly what happened, and apologized. “It’s okay. Don’t worry. It was a mistake. I’m sure people will understand. We’ll call the entire family right now and tell them what happened.” This was just in case, by some strange coincidence, someone may have possibly seen this happen to her.

So as you can see, to Fatimah, this is a really big deal. No face on facebook. She told me that she wanted to visit America someday, with her family. “And if I do, I will not wear my veil. I do not want to make people uncomfortable.” She said. “So you will walk down the street unveiled?” I ask. “No! When I am invited into someone’s home, I feel I should take off my veil so that they are not afraid or anything. Do you see many people dressed like me in America?”

Uh? No. Nope. Not at all. I tell her, “I have maybe seen a couple of people at the airports in abaya’s, no veil. I’ve heard of people seeing people dressed like you. (like my friend Stacey, whose little girl thought a lady was wearing her Halloween costume in the wrong season at the grocery store in Phoenix). Other than that, only on the news.” She found this hard to understand. As you may or may not know, when travelling to this country, more often than not we board the plane with very few women dressed in hijab, the actual term for following their religious dress code. By the time we land, the majority of the women are totally veiled and the men in thobes. The men, of course, by choice. The women, because this is what you do when you live here. You wear these clothes, you always walk behind your husband, and you take your place in society where you belong. With the knowledge that if you want to live here, where you were born and raised, where all of your family lives, the place that you love because it is your home, you have to play by their rules. And that mean for some, living two lives. One while they are abroad and one while they are here.