Last week I felt some terrible pains on my nest. (get it?) It got worse over the week. Like so much worse, that when a child bumped me on accident, I nearly jumped out of my skin. Specifically, in the whipple department. You know after you have a baby, and you're so engorged you wish you were dead? There you go, then.
Low and behold, a small protrusion appeared on the whipple. Remember that I am gargantuan in general, so everything is bigger on me. But, like, the size of a pea is pretty big on the old girls - if you know what I'm sayin'.
What to do now? Go to the 'down there doctor', maybe? Dermatologist? Family practice? ER? I had no idea.
So, I made the best possible choice. Specialist? You ask.
Heavens no. First one available would be fine with me - of course.
Who would that be? Oh, just the family friendly PA at our regular doctor. ( I'm sure you all know PA is physicians assistant - A LOT less school, but generally quite handy)
So in I go to see John. Please keep in mind that, in my opinion, this is man who sees the same ten problems day in and day out. High blood pressure, strep throat, a rash, colds, flu, sinus infection, high cholesterol, and the like. "You need an antibiotic" is a phrase he says in his sleep. I'm pretty sure this guy isn't seeing a lot of 'nests' - let alone 'whipples'. Right?
I tell John, "I think I have a cyst, or something. Maybe a boil? Could even be the flesh eating bacteria for all I know."
John, "And where is it?"
"On my whipple."
John, "Oh. Uh. Um. Uh. (snicker, snicker...did she just say whipple? giggle, giggle... he really did giggle) Okay. Uh. Well. Um. I guess we should have a look at it then. So, uh. Just put this gown on and I'll be back in a second."
Ten minutes later, John and the nurse walk back in. (Why do they wait so long. Do they think I seriously take ten minutes to whip off my clothes? What? Am I ironing and folding them inch by inch? Sheesh!) She's not a real nurse either mind you. Must be a CNA, certified nurses assistant. Could I get a true, real trained professional here? Seriously. No. Not really. They're fine, but it is like whippin' out the old 'rhymes-with-snoob' for people on the street, isn't' it? They're not doctors. Or nurses.
Oh well. Never been all that shy anyway. Giving birth does that to you, doesn't it?
So, John grabs his rubber gloves. *snap* *snap*, "Let's have a look."
Out from behind the gown I pull 'the worlds biggest, I've nursed four kids, have to be picked up and rolled back into position, ginormo - 'snoob'.
Poor John.
I could see the fear in his eyes.
And with a quick 'grab, grab'. 'Poke, poke'. And me grimacing in pain. We were done.
But not before I got a glance at the "nurse" - who looked like she had just seen a horror film. Pure fright. Through and through. She looked like someone was grabbing her whipple, while cowering in pain.
Two point two seconds later - it was over.
So, with my shirt on, John decides it is in fact a cyst and I need an antibiotic. (could have told him that) All in a days work for him.
As I walk out, there are the three 'nurses'. All dead silent. One reading People Magazine, one eating, and the one that was in the room, trying to the get color back into her face. You know that she had been out there telling them, play by play, what she had just seen:
"And then, she whipped out her giant, hanging down to her knee, old lady boo..."
So, with a pat on my back, prescription in hand, I was off.
With a, "Thanks" from me, and a look in my eye for all of -sorry you had to see that - I headed out the door. But not before I thought to myself, in the direction of the girls. "Hey, you guys want to see? It's totally weird. You should see. That way when you're talking about it around dinner tonight, you can say you saw it. Sweet, huh?"
I love being dinner conversation. Don't you?
*Update* - All is well. It's almost gone and doesn't hurt anymore. Whew! Hope this made you laugh and not puke. I did a little of both.
6 comments:
LOL! Glad your feeling better, "snoobs" and all...at least you had something to show, my doc might actually think my entire "snoob" was a cyst, small as they are. The universe is just not fair!
I'm totally saying whipple from now on! Hilarious my friend. I felt like I was right there with you. I feel like when I have a physical and the poor doc is looking at whatever naked part of me, they think "Here is a fine example of why not to have so many kids". That's why I love Dentist visits more than the doctor, it's way less humiliating.
I found it thoroughly entertaining. I was wishing you had posted a picture! (You know me, I'd wanna see it). At my last mammogram the tech said "as long as you don't catch them in your waistband, they're all good." So, as long as your "snoobs" aren't getting stuck in your zipper, I think you're ok.
-Krista
Yeah, I laughed a lot. Glad you're doing better.
Teresa, you are the funniest person I know. I am so glad you're snoob is doing better. That would scare me to death.
I had a similiar experience in highschool. only it had to be removed and that was very interesting. everything covered but my nest ready to be operated on. it made me realize how big my snoobs really were even back then! I am proud of you going to see John. I am sure that at the dinner table they may have used the same words as you!
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