Blue for Home

I did something I shouldn't have. Something I try not to do. But at 1 a.m. when I can't sleep - sometimes I just can't refrain.

No. I didn't eat goodies all night. Okay. Just a little.

But I did something that makes me feel almost worse that that. I looked at blogs. Yes. Blogs from the U.S. Blogs of life at home. Where winter actually happens. Where people celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas - legally. Where they have their families to their houses, and see friends they've known for years. Where they write about adventures to normal stores and activities from church.

Why shouldn't I do this you ask? Seems harmless, doesn't it. But it's not. Believe me, it's not.

It makes me realize all that I (and my family) are missing. I realize that a good portion of a year has passed. That days like Presidents Day have come and gone, and I didn't even know it. That a whole wonderful season of snowy days, fresh air and bright blue skies - is gone. A fall full of crunchy leaves piled in my yard for my kids to play in just slipped past me. More Sundays that I choose to think about, of walking into my mom and dad's house for Sunday dinner, kids and tow with a noise only a herd of elephants can compete with, are now gone. Never to get back. The hours of visiting with my sisters, laying on Minky's couch and her telling me how to do my hair, are now lost. The phone calls from friends about something new at Costco, let's meet for dinner, go to the park, start a quilt; these are no more.

Some may say that I was lucky I even had such a life. And they are right. And some would say, look at all of the new and fun adventures you're having now. And they are right. But at the moment all I can feel is sad to be missing a life that we all loved so much. Many people here tell me their lives are so much better here. That their children have better friends, that life is quiet and safe, that their children have so much to be involved with, that they are happier here than anywhere else. And I can see their point as many come from area's of the world that aren't that great. But my life was so perfectly happy before. It wasn't perfect by any means, but it was happy. Now, it has been added to and I have grown, we all have in ways that I would never change. But we had a wonderful life filled with family, friends and the gospel. What more could I ask for?

Today I missed my brother's sealing to his wife Cindy. The thought of this makes me need to cry. I feel like my role in my family is being so changed. I am usually there for everything. I am a sister, a daughter, a friend, a babysitter, a therapist, a taxi, a maid, a cook and much much more when it comes to my immediate family. These roles are being changed and replaced. I can't help but feel sorrow over the loss of the way things were. I hate missing something as wonderful as a sealing. I hate feeling left out becuase I am SO far away. I hate missing the family conversations, the laughing, the meals, the arguing, the hugging, the crying and the overall feeling of belonging. I miss it all.

See? I shouldn't read blogs from home. I am even really good at realizing that people write about the best things that happen to them, for the most part, on their blogs. But it isn't that, that I am lamenting. It's everyday life filled with love and warmth. I know that life has to change and we have to move on. But I sure miss the way things were. Someday we will find a spot that feels as comfortable as things did there, but for now, I just miss home and all that that word means to me.